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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Weird feeling...>

I need a lullaby,
A kiss goodnight,
Angel sweet love of my life...
Oh, I need this.

I'm kind of tired. Not physically... mentally. Maybe it's because it's the end of the term, I don't know, but something happened today... and it made me feel as if I was looking through glass. Like i was watching TV. I sat there and thought "Is this real?" and I really didn't know.

I couldn't get out of it the whole last two periods. I felt like I was watching people through sunglasses, seeing them perfectly, but them not seeing me. And I couldn't stop what happened, and now there are two people hurt.

I don't feel responsible, I know it's not my fault. But I wish that it could have turned out differently.

I felt real today. As if I could finally, finally see what was really going on between everyone. I noticed the subtle glances, the hair flicks, the downcast eyes... something about today was horribly, terribly WRONG but I can't pinpoint what it was.

I'm not sure I want to.

I mean, what is it, really, that makes us think the way we do? Thinking that way scared me this afternoon, really frightened me, because I knew somehow I was finally seeing the truth, like someone had pulled off a blindfold and given me glasses.

I hated it. I really hated it.

I hate feeling like this. Like there's nothing I can do. I'm tired of all the fighting, the sniping, the double-meaning to fake words of comfort. I'm tired of being in the middle of things, expected to choose a side, when I love them all equally, I hate knowing that I know all their secrets, including who they've bitched about.

Most of all I hate feeling so trapped by it all. I know my life isn't nearly as bad as some of theirs. But God, if it's all you've ever known, shouldn't it be considered the worst? I know that's a weird thing to say. Humour me.

Right now I'm wondering. It's the first fight they've had since they became friends four years ago and I don't even know why they're fighting and I don't want to choose sides because they're both right. If it means I sit by myself, then fine. But people who know me know there's nothing I hate more than being forced into making a decision.

I wonder if they know how I feel.

Doesn't matter anyway - hopefully, with two days to go, they'll sort it out before the holidays. Otherwise we could be in for some very awkward times. Very awkward. We were going to have a sleepover at J's but now I don't know.

I don't know.

I think this holidays I might keep to myself, focus on my studies and getting another job. I just hate feeling helpless and I don't know how well I'll fare if one of them ends up in tears over this and the rest of the group decides one way or another.

I feel like I'm being torn in two.

And I was moving at the speed of sound,
Head spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.

Where I've been, well it's all a blur
What I was looking for, I'm not sure
Too late and I didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.

its.only.me

# posted by treewalker at 10:07 PM