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A kiss goodnight,
Angel sweet love of my life...
Oh, I need this.
I'm kind of tired. Not physically... mentally. Maybe it's because it's the end of the term, I don't know, but something happened today... and it made me feel as if I was looking through glass. Like i was watching TV. I sat there and thought "Is this real?" and I really didn't know.
I couldn't get out of it the whole last two periods. I felt like I was watching people through sunglasses, seeing them perfectly, but them not seeing me. And I couldn't stop what happened, and now there are two people hurt.
I don't feel responsible, I know it's not my fault. But I wish that it could have turned out differently.
I felt real today. As if I could finally, finally see what was really going on between everyone. I noticed the subtle glances, the hair flicks, the downcast eyes... something about today was horribly, terribly WRONG but I can't pinpoint what it was.
I'm not sure I want to.
I mean, what is it, really, that makes us think the way we do? Thinking that way scared me this afternoon, really frightened me, because I knew somehow I was finally seeing the truth, like someone had pulled off a blindfold and given me glasses.
I hated it. I really hated it.
I hate feeling like this. Like there's nothing I can do. I'm tired of all the fighting, the sniping, the double-meaning to fake words of comfort. I'm tired of being in the middle of things, expected to choose a side, when I love them all equally, I hate knowing that I know all their secrets, including who they've bitched about.
Most of all I hate feeling so trapped by it all. I know my life isn't nearly as bad as some of theirs. But God, if it's all you've ever known, shouldn't it be considered the worst? I know that's a weird thing to say. Humour me.
Right now I'm wondering. It's the first fight they've had since they became friends four years ago and I don't even know why they're fighting and I don't want to choose sides because they're both right. If it means I sit by myself, then fine. But people who know me know there's nothing I hate more than being forced into making a decision.
I wonder if they know how I feel.
Doesn't matter anyway - hopefully, with two days to go, they'll sort it out before the holidays. Otherwise we could be in for some very awkward times. Very awkward. We were going to have a sleepover at J's but now I don't know.
I don't know.
I think this holidays I might keep to myself, focus on my studies and getting another job. I just hate feeling helpless and I don't know how well I'll fare if one of them ends up in tears over this and the rest of the group decides one way or another.
I feel like I'm being torn in two.
Head spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur
What I was looking for, I'm not sure
Too late and I didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.
its.only.me
[she] is ayla shannon gray ;]
[she] is sixteen years young... give or take a few months
[she] loves her friends to death.
[her] favourite colour is GREEN.
[she] may be slightly crazy. just a little, though.
[her] hobbies are writing, swimming, and shopping with friends.
[she] loves smiley faces! especially this one :B
[she] has lived in reddy her whole life.
[she] likes placebo, lifehouse, vertical horizon, muse, and many others.
[she] does not hold grudges... pointless :P
[her] season is summer.
[her] pets are cats and a dog.
[she] doesn't care what people think.. too much.
Vanilla ice cream. Strawberry suckers. Scented candles. Colour. Randomness. Anime. LOVELESS.
~ Loves ~Family. Friends. School (lol) Helping people. Apples. Chocolate. Writing. Weatherby. Rizzums. Jamie. Captain McChuzzle. Nessy. Things worth fighting for.
~ Hates ~War. Famine. Poverty. Selfishness. Fakers. Broccoli. Cauliflower (sp?) Child abuse. Murder. Grey. Fighting. Crying.
~ Wishes ~Peace. Happiness. Lots and lots of colour. (: Trust.
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